just in case you’ve been needing a little honesty (and/or whining)
fact: I doubt myself for homeschooling. lots. Especially that first day of Real School when the big yellow bus rattles down my street. Especially when I should be planning for the upcoming year and buying materials and blah blah blah. unmotivated. tired. wondering how to teach 2 kids on different levels AND occupy mr. destruction.
fact: sometimes my heart could burst when my children grasp something I’m teaching them. and my doubt dissolves for a moment and I feel so proud and just like WONDERFRIGGINWOMAN.
fact: sometimes Kansas is stifling. and not just the heat.
fact: there is narrow everywhere.
fact: all my knives are dull.
fact: my sewing skills are improving every day. this thrills me to my toes.
fact: growing old(er) scares me. my body is changing before my very eyes and it is weird, it is unfamiliar, it is scaring the bejeepers out of me. I want to accept it all with aplomb, with grace and wit and a modicum of style. but every conversation that has someone staring at my grays instead of me causes that resolve to crumble ever so slightly.
fact: sometimes I wear the same thing 3 days straight (possibly inhibiting growing-old-gracefully plan)
fact: growing old along with someone you love more every day is kinda awesome.
fact: I envy lots of moms in the craftylands of the blogosphere. I envy their original ideas, perfect style, houses that look good even when “messy” and what seem like inexhaustible stores of energy, optimism and t.v.-free ideas for their delightful children. My kids drive me crazy 85% of the time, my optimism has been MIA since 1996 and turns out I’m an unrepentant slob.
fact: there are posts written and ideas posted and photographs shared by people I will never meet that have inspired me more than classic novels and superbly written editorials and Martha ever could. there are days when the encouragement vibes that float around the web from friend to friend to friend are palpable and lovely.
fact: I love Kelly Clarkson unconditionally and I don’t care anymore who knows it.
fact: lately I’m overcome with the desire to paint every wall in my house white. if you knew me you’d be worried about this.
fact: I make a killer pate brisee.
fact: haircuts make me very nervous. sharp scissors, forced conversation, chemicals.
fact: summer is the very best time of year. a tan, iced tea, fireflies, sundresses, peaches (with which to fill my killer pate brisee, naturally.)
fact: I love that people read my blog even if they never comment. ever.
fact: it bothers me that my feelings about my abilities and personhood can at times be swayed by receiving approval (or not) via my blog and flickr stream.
fact: flickr frakking rocks and I don’t know what we did before. do you?
fact: ripping fabric relieves stress.
fact: stress is part of life. and life is just good ol’ LIFE, great or really bad, tolerable and crazy-making. it’s not like on t.v. and it’s not like in the movies or even on the internets. things are messy for everyone sometimes even if we don’t see it. and we’re all contributing what we can.
and I still have one. grateful, loved, hopeful.
